I went to a very grand grammar school. It was academic and sporting and perhaps a wee bit elitist. So I was very flattered to be asked to give out the prizes on Speech Day this year and my major decision was: "What am I going to wear?"
Something effortlessly elegant, I decided, something that shouts: "Yummy Mummy".
Now I've discovered I'm also expected to give an "amusing and motivational" speech.
Oh yes, and just to make me really nervous, last year's guest star was a rugby playing nuclear physicist who works for NASA - he gave such amusing and motivational speech everyone is still talking about it.
It has always been my motto - If you can't dazzle with brilliance, then just concentrate on dazzling...
So there's been a quick change of plan on the outfit. Bye Bye yummy mummy, I'm now going to wear one of the minuscule frocks I flaunted myself in when I was 25. Thank goodness they still fit and I look OK provided I cover my sagging knees with black fishnets.
The plan is that the audience will be so busy trying to see up my skirt they won't listen to a word I'm saying.